58 Of The Funniest Movie Lines Ever Written

Like these movie lines! Which, thanks to the screenwriters who wrote them and the actors who delivered them, are among the funniest ever committed to screen:

1. "It's just a flesh wound." —John Cleese as The Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

2. "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room!" —Peter Sellers as President Merkin Muffley in Doctor Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

3. "Did you just look at me? Did you? Look at me! Look at me! How dare you? Close your eyes!" —Olivia Colman as Queen Anne in The Favourite (2018)

4. "That is mahogany!" —Elizabeth Banks as Effie Trinket in The Hunger Games (2012)

5. "You read my diary?" "At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book." —Kristen Wiig and Rebel Wilson as Annie and Brynn in Bridesmaids (2011)

6. "That's it, dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family! Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow!" —Eddie Murphy as Mushu in Mulan (1998)

7. "Someday, you gonna get bitch-slapped, and I'm not gonna do a thing to stop it." —Daryl Mitchell as Mr. Morgan in 10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

8. "By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me." —Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada (2006)

9. "Yeah, you just take Soupy Sales to prom. I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. Like, you know what, Bleek? I might pumice my feet, I might go to Bren's unitarian church, maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know? 'Cause all those things would be exponentially cooler than going to prom with you." —Elliot Page as Juno MacGuff in Juno (2007)

10. "I'm a man!" "Well, nobody's perfect." —Jack Lemmon and Joe E. Brown as Jerry and Osgood in Some Like It Hot (1959)

11. "Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond." —Matthew Broderick as Ferris Bueller in Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

12. "Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?" —Anna Farris as Shelley Darlingson in The House Bunny (2008)

13. "I am serious…and don't call me Shirley." —Leslie Nielsen as Dr. Rumack in Airplane! (1980)

14. "You're a virgin who can't drive." —Brittany Murphy as Tai in Clueless (1995)

15. "Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first." —Groucho Marx as Rufus T. Firefly in Duck Soup (1933)

16. "I'm in a glass case of emotion!" —Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

17. "What is this? A center for ants?" —Ben Stiller as Derek Zoolander in Zoolander (2001)

18. "'Greater good?' I am your wife! I'm the greatest good you're ever gonna get!" —Kimberly Adair Clark as Honey Best in The Incredibles (2004)

19. "It's not a man purse. It's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one." —Zach Galifianakis as Alan Garner in The Hangover (2009)

20. “Oh, right, to call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. … I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs.” —Jamie Lee Curtis as Wanda in A Fish Called Wanda (1988)

21. "Snap out of it!" —Cher as Loretta Castorini in Moonstruck (1987)

22. "Don't point that gun at him. He's an unpaid intern." —Bill Murray as Steve Zissou in The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)

23. "Leave the gun. Take the cannoli." —Richard S. Castellano as Clemenza in The Godfather (1972)

24. "If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer." —Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

25. "Bye, Felicia" —Ice Cube as Craig Jones in Friday (1995)

26. “If we get any more white people in here, this is gonna be a suburb.” —Queen Latifah as Motormouth Maybelle in Hairspray (2007)

27. "If I had a dick, this is the part where I'd tell you to suck it." —Betty White as Delores Bickerman in Lake Placid (1999)

28. "Ariel, you're under a lot of pressure down here." —Samuel E. Wright as Sebastian in The Little Mermaid (1989)

29. "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" —Samuel L. Jackson as Agent Neville Flynn in Snakes on a Plane (2006)

30. "Americans really have shown themselves to be a nation of ingrates; only by having children can we begin to understand such dynamic." —Kate Beckinsale as Lady Susan in Love & Friendship (2016)

31. "Look up idiot in the dictionary, you know what you'll find?" "A picture of me?" "No! The definition of the word idiot, which you fucking are!" —Val Kilmer and Robert Downey, Jr. as Perry and Harry in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

32. "Looks are everything. You ever heard David Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. Think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method?" —Ryan Reynolds as Wade Wilson in Deadpool (2016)

33. You sit on a throne of lies." —Will Ferrell as Buddy in Elf (2003)

34. “This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers.” —Jeff Anderson as Randal Graves in Clerks (1994)

35. "She doesn't even go here!" —Daniel Franzese as Damian Leigh in Mean Girls (2004)

36. "I make a habit out of doing things that people say I can't do: Walk through fire, waterski blindfolded, take up piano at a late age." —Jason Statham as Rick Ford in Spy (2015)

37. "Mother, I do not need a blind date. Particularly not with some verbally incontinent spinster who drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney, and dresses like her mother." —Colin Firth as Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones's Diary (2001)

38. "I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?" —Robert De Niro as Jack Byrnes in Meet the Parents (2000)

39. "Here's the deal. I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning, and I piss excellence." —Will Ferrell as Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)

40. "Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can't cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing. ... I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and slip slowly into madness." —Jim Carrey as the Grinch in How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

41. "I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. He made me feel like I was crazy all the time. One day, he tells me it's my fault he saw other women. So, I picked up a knife and told him it was his fault I was stabbing him. Yeah, I did a little jail time, but it was worth it." —Queen Latifah as Liz Bailey in Living Out Loud (1998)

42. "If you are going to come along with us, please refrain from saying things like 'preach' or 'go girl' or any other colloquialism that you may have looked up in an urban dictionary." —Regina Hall as Ryan Pierce in Girls Trip (2017)

43. "Don't give me that tone! That sarcastic, contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman." —Nathan Lane as Albert in The Birdcage (1996)

44. "I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool." "I think of it like this. If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it." —Jonny Brugh and Jemaine Clement as Deacon and Vladislav in What We Do in the Shadows (2014)

45. “You’re a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity.” —Tim Allen as Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story (1995)

46. "I like your outfit, too, except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated." —Reese Witherspoon as Elle Woods in Legally Blonde (2001)

47. "According to the map, we've only gone 4 inches." —Jeff Daniels as Harry Dunne in Dumb and Dumber (1994)

48. "That rug really tied the room together, did it not?" —Jeff Bridges as The Dude in The Big Lebowski (1998)

49. "You're dizzy because you played Russian roulette with your vagina." —Jenny Slate as Donna Stern in Obvious Child (2014)

50. “My father would womanize. He would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark.” —Mike Myers as Dr. Evil in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)


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